I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
