fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Mom said you looked used
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
