"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize