Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
