You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
