he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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