you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
