I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How does one acquire holy water?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
