i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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