You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
