I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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