last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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