I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
