My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
there's paper in my vomit.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
