why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
