i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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