I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
