I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i think im in europe. pls send help
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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