He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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