a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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