i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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