i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
