there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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