Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
