my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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