I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
