you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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