Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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