Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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