Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
