I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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