Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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