do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize