pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
