I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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