Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
