My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
