you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
