I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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