im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
