Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Couch. On fire.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize