Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
