You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
