Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
