we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
