I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
