I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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