i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
