You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
