he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
