Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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