When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
