The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
