Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
