Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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