you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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