wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
